This week was home to National Coming
Out Day. A day in which we can all reflect on our own comings out and
share love, advice and support to people still in the closet
struggling to live their own truth. I'm sure there are plenty of
people who have heard my coming out story, but I think it's important
to share because you never know who is torturing themselves inside
trying to quell their feelings towards the same sex.
My first gay feeling I was aware of,
was when I was just starting high school. I was on the toilet reading
a TV guide magazine (as you do) and I got to the second last page. It
was the mobile wallpaper, screen saver page. There were loads of
pictures of glamour models, naked but carefully covered by
appropriately placed stars (remember those) but there was also a much
much smaller section of that page devoted to hot muscly guys. I was
looking at this page curiously and stared at both the female and male
models … and I didn't feel anything. Still young at the time of
course but I remember thinking “I think I'm supposed to feel a
certain way inclined”, so I kept looking at all the models. Nothing
happened until I looked at the guys again and thought “I wish I had
a six-pack like that” and then pop. I looked down and
thought “...oh … is that supposed to happen?” I spent the night
thinking about it but then just put it to the back of mind thinking
maybe it was just a phase some people went through. I knew fine well
deep down inside it wasn't.
High School could be difficult at
times. When I went there I was immediately labelled the gay boy.
Luckily there was a more flamboyant guy in my year so (in a selfish
way of thinking) I didn't get all the heat when he was around. I of
course at this time, wasn't out, but boy did everyone LOVE to tell me
that they thought I was gay. A guy in my year, who was very tall, big
in stature, had a bit of a swagger to him, had sat in front of me in
Modern Studies. Now firstly I didn't think he was the first to think
this (far from it) but I always felt he was desperate to impress the
boys and be popular, so instead I think he was just being billy big
bollocks and trying look good in front of them. He turned round and
said to me “you're gay”, to which I replied “no I'm not”. As
you can imagine, it felt like everyone had turned round and starting
watching. He then said “well in my opinion, you're gay” to which
I said “you can't have an opinion, it's either fact or fiction and
it's not true.” He pressed me on it some more before just turning
round, but that's the first time at high school I felt properly
confronted about my sexuality. From this point I felt questioned or
made fun of constantly, particularly by the male members of my year.
Whether it be in a changing room, outside at break or more likely in
a classroom, guys always took the time to point me out and laugh at
me which made me deny it more and feel incredibly awkward. There was
even a guy (who didn't stay for long) who used to hit my arse
occasionally going up the stairs saying “you know you like it.”All
this really affected my self confidence. I became embarrassed by
everything in the world and quite socially limited. The worst thing
that happened to me and I'm quite blessed that it didn't really get
worse than this, is that I was walking through the english corridor
towards the big assembly hall to meet my friend. When I walked in the
hall, it felt like everyone started staring at me. I just walked on
awkwardly, when a guy came right up to my face and shouted full pelt
“FAGGG!” Now I wasn't expecting anyone to jump in and be a martyr
because it takes a lot of guts to defend someone but I did feel so
alone at that point. I held it together and walked through the double
doors ahead of me. When I was through and away from them, I just
wanted to cry. I felt like “why does everyone hate me?”
Luckily in the second half of high
school, things got better. People grew up and were more mature so I
didn't get anything as bad done to me. Yeah there were still people
that pissed themselves laughing at the mere mention of my name during
assembly and stuff like that but it was much easier to relax,
although I never truly did until I left and high school was over.
I knew I didn't want to come out during
high school because I spent so long denying it and making more
friends, I was scared to jeopardise that by coming out and people
either feeling awkward around me or angry that I lied. People have to
understand though that one of the scariest things about being in the
closet, is constantly feeling like everyone is trying to catch you
out in a lie. When guys started talking about what girls they thought
were hot, I used to think “oh fuck” cause I knew it was probably
their boyfriends I was more interested in and that I would have to
lie through my teeth. I kept a promise to myself that I wouldn't come
out till I was ready after high school.
I was 18 and I had my first sexual
experience with a slightly older guy. It wasn't a thought in my head
anymore or a fantasy, I had took it upon myself to go along and make
this happen. I went to my room (after it had all happened) and had
this weird feeling in my stomach. It was like butterflies mixed in
with that horrible feeling of dread that thumps you in the pit of
your stomach. I knew I wanted to come out that night, so I did. I
went downstairs and told my mum I was bisexual. I said this because
my biggest fear wasn't acceptance, it was having my masculinity
undermined. It had been undermined at high school constantly, and I
didn't want that to happen again. The male members of my family are
all very macho, all proper men, so as you can imagine I stuck out
like a sore thumb. Me saying I was bisexual was me maintaining my
masculinity by saying in a way “don't worry guys I still like
boobs”. My mum in mere seconds said “are you sure you are not
gay?” and I broke down and said “yes”. In the next coming days
I came out to the rest of my close family. There were a few choice
comments I didn't appreciate like “I don't understand it” or “why
do you have to shout it from the rooftops?” (these people by the
way have completely come round and are absolutely fine now), but
there was nothing terrible. My overriding feeling upon coming out was
liberation. I could finally be who I wanted to be and be honest with
my feelings. I took thrill in saying “oh that guy is hot” when
watching tv. It might not seem like a big thing for anyone else but
when you have been holding your feelings inside for what feels like
your whole life, it feels so good to have that weight off your
shoulders and the freedom to say and act as you want. My friends were
great too. I came out via a facebook message to which everyone was
brilliant, I felt immediately accepted and everything was great.
Now fast forward 5 and ½ years and
yes, I may still not have a boyfriend, have millions of pounds, the
biggest friend network, the level of success I strive for, a car, my
own house etc but what I do have is my sense of self. I know who I am
and I'm proud. I don't thank people for hurting me and making me
stronger (I never understood why people did that) but I've made the
best of my situation and I'm doing fine.
That's my story, but some people's
stories have not reached that vital turning point yet and that is
coming out. National Coming Out Day doesn't mean “YOU HAVE 24 HOURS
TO COME OUT!”, it's a mutual reflection on all our feelings and
experiences, showing people in the closet that it's okay to be gay
and there isn't anything wrong with you because to a certain extent,
we've been through what you have. You know that feeling or thought
which you can't shift, whether it be fear of the family reaction, or
the hots for a certain man or woman? Well having those feelings and then
feeling like no one around you has felt the same way or is like you
at all is scary and makes you question whether there is something
wrong with you. Well don't worry because there are millions of people
who have had that exact same feeling or thought and felt so alone.
When you are ready or feel impassioned enough to do so, reach out to
someone accepting and take that one step closer to fully living your
own truth and making life better. It's not a race, there is no time
limit apart from life itself, so relax, only be you when you are
ready to be you. It's a scary world out there and I can't guarantee
it's going to be all roses and sunshine. Only come out in a safe
environment, that's very important, but remember being honest with
yourself and others you trust, makes you feel more yourself than you
have ever felt, and it's the best feeling. You know what's best for
you in your life and situation so make life more enjoyable and live
it. You may only have it once.
I hope you liked my blog post. If you
did then follow me on Facebook at Chris Carruthers. Follow me on
twitter, Instagram or BlogLovin @ChrisDerekCarr. Like and share this
post if you enjoyed it and thank you for reading.
(p.s I stillllllll don't have a phone
so here's a throwback pic)
Chris x
