Two Homes

Hi, it's been a while, but I've had a bit of writer's block recently. I just had no idea what to write about. I could go on and on and on about sex and dating etc, but I thought I should switch it up more (unless you want to hear about more of thoughts on these subjects?) So I was trying to think of what to talk about. Politically right now it feels like there is bad news, after bad news, after bad news that affects us all in some way, but I don't want my blog to be angry or depressing. I want my blog to take someone's mind off the impending doom we all seem to be facing. I mean Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary, is she out of her mind? ARGHHHHH … *breathe* … anyway like I said I don't want to be angry or depressing.

This weekend I went home to see the family. I took the Monday and Tuesday off so I could stay a bit longer. Dumfries may be changing but whenever I come back, it feels like it never does. I was trying to put my finger on how I felt about being in Dumfries, and it feels kinda like going back in time. Glasgow feels like it's always fresh and evolving, full of a diverse range of people from all different backgrounds. Dumfries doesn't feel that way. It seems to look the same, the people are the same, the shops haven't changed. There is something comforting about downsizing to a familiar place you grew up in, and knowing nothing is changing and you can relax. At the same time I feel like I hit a bit of a slump in Dumfries. A constant feeling of needing to broaden my horizons or seek new opportunities, and it doesn't feel like Dumfries could provide these opportunities which is one of the reasons I moved to Glasgow (even though I really didn't want to move away from my family, but needs must.) My social circle in Dumfries is weak as shit. I feel like it's partially my own doing to be honest. It's not just because I don't live in Dumfries anymore, it's also because whenever my friends were asking me to come out for drinks I'd always find an excuse to say no. At first it was because being in the closet I was worried I would blurt out that I was gay drunk. After I came out, it became more of a social anxiety problem. Meeting new people without being able to rely on the Dutch courage of drink. People say just drink anyway, but why would I waste money on something that is rank (to my tastebuds) just to make me relax? It's what some people do but I feel the better way to deal with that is to just face your fears and be confident. Glasgow felt like a new start, I felt like it was a place to grow up and be braver. So I do go out quite a lot for someone who doesn't drink, and it's made me more confident.

Anyway back to Dumfries, I feel like a different person coming back. I'm more confident (although everytime I see someone from school I feel like withdrawing back into myself like I did before, sometimes I just think “shut the fuck up and say hi”) I'm fitter, I've got a bit more money on me, and I think I look a bit better (looking back at old photos, I'm like holy shit, why on earth did I choose to wear that?!). I jump off the bus, get in the car, and first thing I say to my dad who picks me up is “so anything happened while I was gone?” and the answer always seems to be “nah”. The house is never the same, my mum always gets the itch to change the furniture around. My little sister is always keen for me to come home so is all over me like a limpet but then is a bit too intense so we fall out and then come back together the next day. She's always very funny, more than I was at her age, which I slightly envy, as she is more socially unapologetic but in the best way.

One of the best things about coming home is for one thing the company. Me and my mum are very close and very alike. Living with Dale is great but we are so different it hurts. We only really come together when we are going to buy food, games or watch an anime, so a lot of the time when I'm not hanging with my best friends, I feel kinda lonely, so I love the constant conversation back home. Secondly not having to cook is like heaven. It's funny how your mum and dad can always make that meal like no one else can, not even yourself. It just never turns out the same. Thirdly getting to see my little cat Suki purr at me once and then ignore my existence

is okay I guess. Finally there is the silence. It's bit eerie at first but feels like your head isn't so heavy from all the city noises like mass crowds of people, traffic, police cars and ambulances every 30 minutes etc. I prefer the noise overall because I don't like being alone but the quiet once in a while is really refreshing, and something my mum says I'll crave when I'm older.

On Sunday we went to Rockcliffe. We relaxed in the sand, clambered over the rocks, and I took advantage of the many Selfie opportunities (a selfie not in my bedroom for once). It was a great wee day, and it's days like that I really love and appreciate more in hindsight.

It's Monday night, tomorrow I'll be heading back to normality in Glasgow. It's always good to visit home. Not just to visit the parents and sibling I love so much and show them (at least a little bit) how much I care and appreciate them, but also good to get away, feel more refreshed, revisit your roots and set off again with a new frame of mind. I really enjoyed my time at home and boy did I need it.

Home is where the heart is, and now I feel my heart is both in Dumfries and Glasgow. I look forward seeing Glasgow again. :)