Coming Out

This week was home to National Coming Out Day. A day in which we can all reflect on our own comings out and share love, advice and support to people still in the closet struggling to live their own truth. I'm sure there are plenty of people who have heard my coming out story, but I think it's important to share because you never know who is torturing themselves inside trying to quell their feelings towards the same sex.

My first gay feeling I was aware of, was when I was just starting high school. I was on the toilet reading a TV guide magazine (as you do) and I got to the second last page. It was the mobile wallpaper, screen saver page. There were loads of pictures of glamour models, naked but carefully covered by appropriately placed stars (remember those) but there was also a much much smaller section of that page devoted to hot muscly guys. I was looking at this page curiously and stared at both the female and male models … and I didn't feel anything. Still young at the time of course but I remember thinking “I think I'm supposed to feel a certain way inclined”, so I kept looking at all the models. Nothing happened until I looked at the guys again and thought “I wish I had a six-pack like that” and then pop. I looked down and thought “...oh … is that supposed to happen?” I spent the night thinking about it but then just put it to the back of mind thinking maybe it was just a phase some people went through. I knew fine well deep down inside it wasn't.

High School could be difficult at times. When I went there I was immediately labelled the gay boy. Luckily there was a more flamboyant guy in my year so (in a selfish way of thinking) I didn't get all the heat when he was around. I of course at this time, wasn't out, but boy did everyone LOVE to tell me that they thought I was gay. A guy in my year, who was very tall, big in stature, had a bit of a swagger to him, had sat in front of me in Modern Studies. Now firstly I didn't think he was the first to think this (far from it) but I always felt he was desperate to impress the boys and be popular, so instead I think he was just being billy big bollocks and trying look good in front of them. He turned round and said to me “you're gay”, to which I replied “no I'm not”. As you can imagine, it felt like everyone had turned round and starting watching. He then said “well in my opinion, you're gay” to which I said “you can't have an opinion, it's either fact or fiction and it's not true.” He pressed me on it some more before just turning round, but that's the first time at high school I felt properly confronted about my sexuality. From this point I felt questioned or made fun of constantly, particularly by the male members of my year. Whether it be in a changing room, outside at break or more likely in a classroom, guys always took the time to point me out and laugh at me which made me deny it more and feel incredibly awkward. There was even a guy (who didn't stay for long) who used to hit my arse occasionally going up the stairs saying “you know you like it.”All this really affected my self confidence. I became embarrassed by everything in the world and quite socially limited. The worst thing that happened to me and I'm quite blessed that it didn't really get worse than this, is that I was walking through the english corridor towards the big assembly hall to meet my friend. When I walked in the hall, it felt like everyone started staring at me. I just walked on awkwardly, when a guy came right up to my face and shouted full pelt “FAGGG!” Now I wasn't expecting anyone to jump in and be a martyr because it takes a lot of guts to defend someone but I did feel so alone at that point. I held it together and walked through the double doors ahead of me. When I was through and away from them, I just wanted to cry. I felt like “why does everyone hate me?”

Luckily in the second half of high school, things got better. People grew up and were more mature so I didn't get anything as bad done to me. Yeah there were still people that pissed themselves laughing at the mere mention of my name during assembly and stuff like that but it was much easier to relax, although I never truly did until I left and high school was over.

I knew I didn't want to come out during high school because I spent so long denying it and making more friends, I was scared to jeopardise that by coming out and people either feeling awkward around me or angry that I lied. People have to understand though that one of the scariest things about being in the closet, is constantly feeling like everyone is trying to catch you out in a lie. When guys started talking about what girls they thought were hot, I used to think “oh fuck” cause I knew it was probably their boyfriends I was more interested in and that I would have to lie through my teeth. I kept a promise to myself that I wouldn't come out till I was ready after high school.

I was 18 and I had my first sexual experience with a slightly older guy. It wasn't a thought in my head anymore or a fantasy, I had took it upon myself to go along and make this happen. I went to my room (after it had all happened) and had this weird feeling in my stomach. It was like butterflies mixed in with that horrible feeling of dread that thumps you in the pit of your stomach. I knew I wanted to come out that night, so I did. I went downstairs and told my mum I was bisexual. I said this because my biggest fear wasn't acceptance, it was having my masculinity undermined. It had been undermined at high school constantly, and I didn't want that to happen again. The male members of my family are all very macho, all proper men, so as you can imagine I stuck out like a sore thumb. Me saying I was bisexual was me maintaining my masculinity by saying in a way “don't worry guys I still like boobs”. My mum in mere seconds said “are you sure you are not gay?” and I broke down and said “yes”. In the next coming days I came out to the rest of my close family. There were a few choice comments I didn't appreciate like “I don't understand it” or “why do you have to shout it from the rooftops?” (these people by the way have completely come round and are absolutely fine now), but there was nothing terrible. My overriding feeling upon coming out was liberation. I could finally be who I wanted to be and be honest with my feelings. I took thrill in saying “oh that guy is hot” when watching tv. It might not seem like a big thing for anyone else but when you have been holding your feelings inside for what feels like your whole life, it feels so good to have that weight off your shoulders and the freedom to say and act as you want. My friends were great too. I came out via a facebook message to which everyone was brilliant, I felt immediately accepted and everything was great.

Now fast forward 5 and ½ years and yes, I may still not have a boyfriend, have millions of pounds, the biggest friend network, the level of success I strive for, a car, my own house etc but what I do have is my sense of self. I know who I am and I'm proud. I don't thank people for hurting me and making me stronger (I never understood why people did that) but I've made the best of my situation and I'm doing fine.

That's my story, but some people's stories have not reached that vital turning point yet and that is coming out. National Coming Out Day doesn't mean “YOU HAVE 24 HOURS TO COME OUT!”, it's a mutual reflection on all our feelings and experiences, showing people in the closet that it's okay to be gay and there isn't anything wrong with you because to a certain extent, we've been through what you have. You know that feeling or thought which you can't shift, whether it be fear of the family reaction, or the hots for a certain man or woman? Well having those feelings and then feeling like no one around you has felt the same way or is like you at all is scary and makes you question whether there is something wrong with you. Well don't worry because there are millions of people who have had that exact same feeling or thought and felt so alone. When you are ready or feel impassioned enough to do so, reach out to someone accepting and take that one step closer to fully living your own truth and making life better. It's not a race, there is no time limit apart from life itself, so relax, only be you when you are ready to be you. It's a scary world out there and I can't guarantee it's going to be all roses and sunshine. Only come out in a safe environment, that's very important, but remember being honest with yourself and others you trust, makes you feel more yourself than you have ever felt, and it's the best feeling. You know what's best for you in your life and situation so make life more enjoyable and live it. You may only have it once.

I hope you liked my blog post. If you did then follow me on Facebook at Chris Carruthers. Follow me on twitter, Instagram or BlogLovin @ChrisDerekCarr. Like and share this post if you enjoyed it and thank you for reading.

                                 (p.s I stillllllll don't have a phone so here's a throwback pic)

Chris x

I'm not narcissistic ... 25 Facts About Me

I thought I had uncovered so many different facets to myself via this blog but one request asked me to write a post talking about myself, and talking about myself is my favourite subject. So I thought I would post the most narcissistic top 25 facts about me blog post. Also F.Y.I while I'm writing this I'm listening to Geri Halliwell – Look At Me, so i'm feeling myself totally.

1. My full name is Christopher Derek Carruthers. I was never a fan of the middle name when I was younger, but I've learnt to embrace my Dad's name hence ChrisDerekCarr.
2. I was born in Cresswell Hospital in Dumfries. Apparently my Mum was in labour with me for mere minutes. I shot out of her like a cannon.
3. I grew up on a street called Larchfield Road. It could be rough at times but I had great people around me like my best friend Lisa.
4. I went to St Michael's Primary School. I had great times there, from winning awards like The Man of the Match trophy in P6 for football (yes you read that right, football) where I scored a cracking header from the box in a tournament at Noblehill Primary (I may have just took a jump of faith and it happened to bounce off my head but we'll keep that between you and me) to bad times like pissing myself in P1 because I thought it would be so embarrassing to ask to go to the toilet … forgetting that pissing my pants in front of everyone would be much more embarrassing
5. Dumfries Academy was my high school. I look back on my time there with mixed feelings. I got a lot of crap when I went there which made me crippling embarrassed at everything, but I was always a nice person and my favourite subject was drama.
6. During my time at Dumfries Academy I was lucky enough to make productions with the National Theatre of Scotland. I was the lead in Do A Dance No One Can See You Do and Put It In A Little Bag (*sharp intake of breath*), Breaking Silence and Cartouche. I was going to study drama but presenting took over, although I'd love to re-visit my acting and also sing more as I was always too scared at high school to do myself justice and go for it.
7. I was also for a short period of time in the Rugby team (i'm not joking, I tried out and everything) I only competed in 2 games. One against Dumfries High School and the other against at The Dumfries Rugby Club. In my last game I was put in the opposite team for numbers … so as you can see, I was highly valued.
8. I've had many pets in my life … mostly all dead (don't give me your pets dear god) Pip and Squeak were my first cats. Penny was a hamster. Sandy was a ginger tomcat (that cat fucking hated me btw) and today we've got Suki in the family (a brown furred cute little bitch who just wants me to open doors and make food for her)
9. I've only travelled to two foreign places outside the UK in my life. France (somewhere I don't even know) and Los Angeles (we stayed in Banana Bungalows which probably meant something above my understanding at the time lol)
10. My favourite singer is 100% Leona Lewis (and this isn't your cue to slag her off, so shut up) 
11. I'm not a great swimmer. I can only do front crawl, and I can only do it like I'm a race.
12. I used to be in the Hear'Say fan club where they thought I was called Christopher Carnutters … grumble
13. My family tree goes back to Norway, I've got blue blood in me bitches and my mum was born in Australia so sometimes I like to think I'm part Australian.
14. I came out when I was 18 and it's one of the best things I've ever done. The feeling of not having to carry that secret weight on your shoulders any longer is one of the best feelings.
15. When I was younger my best attempt at pretending I liked girls was saying I fancied Heidi from the Sugababes when in fact she was just my fave babe
16. I moved to Glasgow 3 years ago. I studied HNC and HND Radio for my first two years where I got A's and made documentaries called Moving The Goalposts (all about the lack of out gay players in big time professional football) and Witness The Fitness (all about different ways to keep fit … I didn't really know where I was going with it but I got an A. it's pretty good if I don't say so myself https://soundcloud.com/soundcityradio <<<<<< there's the link, just scroll down to Witness The Fitness, you'll see my selfie lol)
17. As you will all know if you care, I like to keep fit. I may not have reached my peak goal yet but I'm proud of the progress i've made so far, and aiming for my goals keeps me motivated (well … also seeing fit guys workout but mainly fitness goals)
18. In my time presenting I've interviewed Rebecca Adlington, Simon Weston and introduced people like Luke Pasquliano, Alexandra Burke, Professor Green and loads of interesting people (I'll just pick up those names I've dropped)
19. I used to sleepwalk when I was younger, so much so that I once mistakenly thought the binbag was the toilet … don't worry guys I only needed a number 1.
20. My favourite pokemon was always Starmie. Purple, a star and a big crystal in the middle … guys can you blame me?!
21. My favourite movie is Spirited Away. From Studio Ghibli it's the most magical film i've ever seen, and I was engrossed immediately
22. I once took part in a flashmob which is on youtube under Dumfries Flashmob, where we danced so terribly … defo be a 1 from Craig.
23. I've never been in a relationship. Not a player just no one will take me lol
24. Sometimes when my brother is out the flat I like to blast karaoke tracks and sing at the top of my lungs. My fave at the moment is Adele - Hello
25. Now I'm working away in Glasgow while blogging, presenting, selfie...ing. PRESENT DAY. (I may look sad but I've got nice titties in this so it's staying)   

So there you have it. 25 facts about me. Hopefully you know a bit more about me now.

As always you can follow me on Facebook @Chris Carruthers, follow me on Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat @ChrisDerekCarr and also I'm on BlogLovin so show me some love by clicking those widgets

Xx

The Comedown

Time is a cruel mistress. You're having a brilliant time and before you know it, it's all already over. Enter the comedown. A feeling as of late I'm struggling to cope with. My life isn't exciting enough at the moment that one exciting day is replaced by another straight away. If that were the case I could replace my sad feeling or dull it at least with the joy of my new fun day. Time isn't something you can change. It always flows the same for everyone although it doesn't feel that way. Time doesn't feel fair. Why is it the most boring and difficult days are the ones that drag? Why can't my fun days stay a little bit longer? It's on those long journeys home on the train or nights lying alone in your bed looking at the ceiling, that I really start to question everything. Why won't this knot in my stomach go away? Why do I comedown so hard? Why do I worry so much in the moment when I should be just enjoying it? I'm just rambling on and I'm not quite sure how to articulate myself on this matter. All I know is I need to find my constant so whilst I'm feeling the comedown they are always there to comfort me.

Pride

Today it's Glasgow Pride. I have never been to a pride. I don't really know why. Maybe the idea of seeing anyone I've ever dated all in one place is a scary prospect. Joking aside, the reason for this post is to celebrate Pride. In the horrible world that we live in, it's important to always champion a celebration of equality and acceptance, where for one day at least, we can vow to never let prejudice stop us from loving who we want to love and also importantly just have fun. Pride is an event full of heart and the best intentions but despite this, one question always, and I mean always pops up, and it is “why do we need pride?”

Nobody is stranger to the horrible stories we hear so regularly about homophobic abuse. It wasn't that long ago that the devastating Orlando shooting happened. You hear stories far too often from different parts of the world where an individual has been killed for being gay, being suspected of being gay or doing something considered too gay. Gay teenagers all over the world have taken their own life because they couldn't live their lives accepted in their sexuality. This has to stop, but it hasn't. The fact that people are so judged or feel so judged that it results in their life ending is horrifying, and all because they love people of the same sex. There is an attitude from some people who say by celebrating pride, we are acknowledging our difference and making the situation worse, so we should just be silent and get on with our lives. Being silent about prejudice never helped anyone. Being silent lets homophobia rot, fester and infect minds, who could grow up being more accepting individuals and not grow up to be homophobic humans who go out to destroy love in it's different forms. We need to constantly re-iterate the mantra that being gay is okay and being gay shouldn't affect your life negatively. Pride lets us do that, by coming together in an parade of colour, not leaving an colour out of the celebration, because no one should be excluded from loving who they want to love.

Being accepting of the lgbtqia community doesn't mean you have to be gay or gay-er. It doesn't mean you have to wave a rainbow flag. It doesn't even mean you have to go to pride at all or even acknowledge the event is happening where you live, to be perfectly honest. All being accepting is, is respecting people regardless of their sexuality, and treating them just like everybody else, just like you would like to be treated. That's it. That's all it is. Unfortunately though, even that is too difficult or absurd a concept for some people, who continually discriminate or abuse people in the lgbtqia community.

For people who haven't received prejudice for their sexuality, imagine how you would feel if you couldn't even show love for your other half openly without fear of being abused or killed. Imagine how you would feel if you couldn't even dress how you want to dress without fear of being abused or killed. Imagine how you would feel if you couldn't even hold someone's hand or give them a kiss without fear of being abused or killed. Imagine how you would feel if you couldn't even say I'm gay or I'm straight without fear of being abused or killed. This fear is real, and there is no need to imagine it.

The whole point of pride is to be big, loud and colourful in protest against people who believe we shouldn't have the same rights and shouldn't be treated equally. If you see a pride event going on, then know that it means there is still so much prejudice against the community happening. Support pride, even if it's just in the smallest way, then maybe one day we won't need to campaign for equal rights every single year. Wherever you are in Glasgow, the UK, the world, remember to just let people love who they want to love and treat them equally, then there will be no need for pride because we will already be proud

Edinburgh

So yesterday, Saturday 13^th of August 2016 I went to the Edinburgh for the festival. It had been a while since I'd been, maybe like 4/5 years. After a relatively nippy train journey we arrived, and Edinburgh was looking beautiful. The first time I came to Edinburgh, was when I was at high school on a drama trip. I didn't really like the look, but this time around about 7ish years later, I absolutely loved it. The stone work, the history, the people ... i could go on and on. It's so beautiful, I officially want to move there.

So the reason we came up to Edinburgh festival, no surprise, was to actually see a show. You are definitely not short of suggestions. Walking down the royal mile you are bombarded with flyer after flyer after flyer for different shows. It was hard to choose which show to see because there was so much choice. It's easy to mistakenly think that getting into a show will be no sweat because of the amount of shows going on, but then you get into the small intimate venues with no seats left and think “.... oh fuck”. We loved the idea of seeing 2 Become 1, a 90's inspired comedy pop musical or All the King's Men, a talented acapella vocal group (the interest in them had nothing to do with how hot the were … nothing at all … nothing to do with the guy in the burgundy shorts … not.at.all) The problem was everything was either sold out or we couldn't find it. Luckily though in our free show booklet we found Quiz In My Pants, sort of like a comedy panel show. After actually finding it and there actually being space, we settled in and had a good drink and a good laugh. The compere of the show Nicola was actually my favourite, and I loved the Movement venue. The audience were as dirty as you would expect, suggesting both shite and genital warts for buzzer noises … don't ask. I had a great time, but next time I'd like to see a piece of drama or something experimental at the festival.

It was walking down the street, seeing the fun everyone was having in their respective theatre groups, that made me want to pick it up again. As I've said before I've studied drama at high school and been in the lead NTS Productions, and recently I've been thinking about taking up acting again. It was seeing everyone perform on the Royal Mile that made the wanky drama student in me want to go join them. So maybe this is a idea I might pursue, what do you think?

It wasn't just shows we were up to see. We wanted to do touristy stuff as well. So we went to Arthur's Seat. I underestimated, just how high Arthur's Seat is. I was definitely fit enough to tackle it but still, climbling some of those rocky paths getting steeper and narrower was tricky, I even rolled my ankle at point on the way down. Unfortunately we didn't have enough time to finish, as we wanted to get back down to have food and see a show but watch this space because I 100% want to travel up to get to the top, and take some pics at the peak.

Now finally, I couldn't finish my Blog about Edinburgh without mentioning the talent. Now when I say talent I don't mean the acting, the stand up, the singing, the political commentary, the art, the food, the sheer performance skills … when I say talent I mean the guys. Holy shit there were so many good looking guys in Edinburgh! Sure there are really hot guys in Glasgow and I even bumped into one while I was there randomly but Edinburgh was on top form, and it was certainly a treat for my big brown eyes.

Edinburgh is such a phenomenally beautiful city, one which I don't want to just visit annually. I loved my Saturday in Edinburgh, and I would love to visit again, not just for the festival but to see more of the city I fell in love with yesterday. <3

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Thank You For Reading xx

Getting Back Up Again

So this week hasn't been a good one at all for various reasons. Firstly before I go any further I thought I would quickly say what a great time I had hosting Youth Beatz for the past 6 years since 2010. I couldn't have asked for a better co-host in Jasmine. We had so much fun together and presenting with her was a joy. From the first year we hosted where we were nervously backstage waiting to host to the big crowd, to last year where we were so good at it that presenting in front of thousands of people didn't seem difficult at all. If I had another opportunity to host an event with Jasmine, I would jump at it, just for her company more than anything.

My favourite act that has ever performed has got to be The Mermaids. I could rave on about what brilliant musicians they are, but what I enjoyed most about them was their company. Such lovely girls who were very approachable, funny and friendly, and my fave act last year. I don't even need to tell you but if you are looking for good music then look them up cause they are great.

I can only speak on behalf of myself but being completely honest, I have to say that I do feel we were under-appreciated at Youth Beatz. We never got much credit for doing it, and I felt we deserved a lot more respect for giving up our time to host the event, write the script and travel at very last minute times. We never even got recognition in the local newspaper, not even a line saying thanks or well done to Chris and Jasmine for hosting, very little photos either. I would encourage whoever takes over to get more recognition because it's a brilliant opportunity with brilliant people working there like Lou who I could always come to and totally adore. Just make sure you ain't doing it for free for so long like me and Jasmine did. We got paid a little last year but weirdly enough we were cut this year. Not got anything to do with ££ … not at all …

I've had a great six years with Jasmine at Youth Beatz and good luck to whoever takes over. Have confidence in yourself because the crowd is always absolutely lovely and will cheer you on, so enjoy it more than anything. It might seem like a silly youth event to others but it's set me on a career path I hope to fully pursue and for that I'm happy it happened. :) 

Anyway moving swiftly on to a topic which is honestly completely un-related to Youth Beatz.

Recently I feel like I've been the subject of bullying. I'm not going to name any individual and cause a shitstorm but it's reminded me that there really are nasty people in the world, that will belittle you and make you feel small and less important. It's been getting me down but not anymore. I refuse to let anyone put me down when I know I'm a good person, who treats people like he'd like to be treated. People feel to get ahead you have to a fucking arsehole, but I'm not prepared to be that person. I want to move up through life without taking people down. It reminds me that unfortunately there always seems to be one person in a group who enjoys picking on others. I'm going to bide my time, and be the bigger man, but when I get the first opportunity I will be deleting that person out of my life and hoping someone that negative won't trespass into my life again.

To end on a positive note, I'm looking forward to a long weekend with my friends. Going to polo, eating and shopping sounds like so much fun.

P.S I'm thinking that an Iphone on a tripod would be a good set up for a camera for a Youtube Channel. So maaayyybe I will pursue it … ;)

As always if you liked this post then share it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or wherever you want. Follow me on Google Plus. Also I'm on Facebook as Chris Carruthers, Twitter Instagram and Snapchat as ChrisDerekCarr, and I'm also on BlogLovin so follow me there too if you have it.

                                                          Thank You, Talk Soon ;)

23 Wishes For My 23rd Year

It's my birthday. I turn the ripe old age of 23 today. I'm not sure how I feel about turning 23. I'd rather be 24 or an even number at least. I thought for my next post I would post my 23 wishes for my next year of life. I want to achieve every single one, so with a bit of grit, hard work and passion I think I can do it.

1.To enter the Eurovision Song Contest for Sweden or Bosnia and Herzegovina

2. Continue with my fitness, getting bigger and stronger whilst still rocking my gym tights because they show off my nice butt

                                3. Find love (I can't be that bloody ugly or annoying … right?! ...)

4. Spend time in London. I've been to Heathrow and past London but never in it. I wanna live there one day      

5. Make more money so not only can I do more things I love for myself but also with and for family and friends

6. To be caring and friendly, but more unapologetic when faced with criticism from nasty bastards

                                           

7. Start a Youtube Channel

8. Get back into my acting, my singing and get more presenting gigs.

9. Keep updating my blog, and reach new milestones

10. Find a new flat. If I could find a less expensive better quality central flat that would be amazing

11. Get a tattoo

12. To see more cities of the UK

13. To become Prime Minister with my fabulous bitches of politics party

14. To marry Steve Grand or convince Nick Jonas that you do in fact love me

15. To become a WWE wrestler because rolling about wrestling muscly men in pants sounds like all my wishes come true at once

16. To try a new side career as a stripper with my stripper name Cece

17. To audition for The X Factor, become the new Chico and get the X Factor sound-over guy to say RACHEL ADEDEJI

18. To get my playing it straight alternative gay for pay commissioned because I still think that's a bloody brilliant idea

19. To reboot Gladiators on ITV with Ulrika Johnson (of course with the original theme song)

20. To meet Conchita Wurst and become unstoppable

                                

21.To become the next superstar … in bowls

22. To see a concert at the Hydro because I've never been (not even joking I haven't)

23. To find and train a pikachu … in real life

And that's it, literally, that's it. I don't think those 23 wishes are impossible. If I don't at least find a real life Pikachu then I'm gonna be pissed off.

So what are your wishes for the future? Tell me in the comments :) :) :)

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If you like me then follow me on Facebook (Chris Carruthers), Twitter (ChrisDerekCarr), Instagram (ChrisDerekCarr) or Snapchat (ChrisDerek … you get the picture)  

Two Homes

Hi, it's been a while, but I've had a bit of writer's block recently. I just had no idea what to write about. I could go on and on and on about sex and dating etc, but I thought I should switch it up more (unless you want to hear about more of thoughts on these subjects?) So I was trying to think of what to talk about. Politically right now it feels like there is bad news, after bad news, after bad news that affects us all in some way, but I don't want my blog to be angry or depressing. I want my blog to take someone's mind off the impending doom we all seem to be facing. I mean Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary, is she out of her mind? ARGHHHHH … *breathe* … anyway like I said I don't want to be angry or depressing.

This weekend I went home to see the family. I took the Monday and Tuesday off so I could stay a bit longer. Dumfries may be changing but whenever I come back, it feels like it never does. I was trying to put my finger on how I felt about being in Dumfries, and it feels kinda like going back in time. Glasgow feels like it's always fresh and evolving, full of a diverse range of people from all different backgrounds. Dumfries doesn't feel that way. It seems to look the same, the people are the same, the shops haven't changed. There is something comforting about downsizing to a familiar place you grew up in, and knowing nothing is changing and you can relax. At the same time I feel like I hit a bit of a slump in Dumfries. A constant feeling of needing to broaden my horizons or seek new opportunities, and it doesn't feel like Dumfries could provide these opportunities which is one of the reasons I moved to Glasgow (even though I really didn't want to move away from my family, but needs must.) My social circle in Dumfries is weak as shit. I feel like it's partially my own doing to be honest. It's not just because I don't live in Dumfries anymore, it's also because whenever my friends were asking me to come out for drinks I'd always find an excuse to say no. At first it was because being in the closet I was worried I would blurt out that I was gay drunk. After I came out, it became more of a social anxiety problem. Meeting new people without being able to rely on the Dutch courage of drink. People say just drink anyway, but why would I waste money on something that is rank (to my tastebuds) just to make me relax? It's what some people do but I feel the better way to deal with that is to just face your fears and be confident. Glasgow felt like a new start, I felt like it was a place to grow up and be braver. So I do go out quite a lot for someone who doesn't drink, and it's made me more confident.

Anyway back to Dumfries, I feel like a different person coming back. I'm more confident (although everytime I see someone from school I feel like withdrawing back into myself like I did before, sometimes I just think “shut the fuck up and say hi”) I'm fitter, I've got a bit more money on me, and I think I look a bit better (looking back at old photos, I'm like holy shit, why on earth did I choose to wear that?!). I jump off the bus, get in the car, and first thing I say to my dad who picks me up is “so anything happened while I was gone?” and the answer always seems to be “nah”. The house is never the same, my mum always gets the itch to change the furniture around. My little sister is always keen for me to come home so is all over me like a limpet but then is a bit too intense so we fall out and then come back together the next day. She's always very funny, more than I was at her age, which I slightly envy, as she is more socially unapologetic but in the best way.

One of the best things about coming home is for one thing the company. Me and my mum are very close and very alike. Living with Dale is great but we are so different it hurts. We only really come together when we are going to buy food, games or watch an anime, so a lot of the time when I'm not hanging with my best friends, I feel kinda lonely, so I love the constant conversation back home. Secondly not having to cook is like heaven. It's funny how your mum and dad can always make that meal like no one else can, not even yourself. It just never turns out the same. Thirdly getting to see my little cat Suki purr at me once and then ignore my existence

is okay I guess. Finally there is the silence. It's bit eerie at first but feels like your head isn't so heavy from all the city noises like mass crowds of people, traffic, police cars and ambulances every 30 minutes etc. I prefer the noise overall because I don't like being alone but the quiet once in a while is really refreshing, and something my mum says I'll crave when I'm older.

On Sunday we went to Rockcliffe. We relaxed in the sand, clambered over the rocks, and I took advantage of the many Selfie opportunities (a selfie not in my bedroom for once). It was a great wee day, and it's days like that I really love and appreciate more in hindsight.

It's Monday night, tomorrow I'll be heading back to normality in Glasgow. It's always good to visit home. Not just to visit the parents and sibling I love so much and show them (at least a little bit) how much I care and appreciate them, but also good to get away, feel more refreshed, revisit your roots and set off again with a new frame of mind. I really enjoyed my time at home and boy did I need it.

Home is where the heart is, and now I feel my heart is both in Dumfries and Glasgow. I look forward seeing Glasgow again. :)

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I Want You Back #1: Playing it Straight

A series of blog posts I'm going to start is I Want You Back. This is where I talk about different shows, bands, trends etc that I want back, and I think should never have went away. For my first one, I want back a tv show which I recently re-discovered, which I absolutely love, and that is Playing It Straight.

In this show, 1 girl is looking for love and a group of guys are there to battle it out in a multitude of challenges to be with her. What soon dawns on the girl is that this show isn't what it seems, as she is told some of the guys are straight and some are gay. £100,000 is up for grabs. If she picks a straight guy at the end of the show then they both halve the money and ride off into the sunset, but if she picks a gay man, then he takes all the money for himself. The gay men must pretend to be straight, and the girl must work out who is straight and who is merely playing it straight. Episode by episode she eliminates a guy or guys until she picks the one in the final.

Now there are obvious thirsty reasons why I would like this show. A group of attractive guys trying to emasculate each other in a series of physical challenges. Emm yes please! There is though a lesson in this show which I think is a healthy one, and that is to not always judge someone on a stereotype. On occasion in the show aired on Channel 4 (which so far has had two series, one in 2005 and one in 2012) the girl eliminates a guy based on a flimsy stereotype, whether it be a guy is too camp so he must be gay or keep a guy in based on the fact that if he's more macho then he must be straight, which we know in life isn't always true. The show teaches you that yes some people might follow stereotypes, but there also people that don't conform with stereotypes at all, and are their own person entirely. The idea of not staying in “your” box or not staying true to “your” label can unnerve people. Society feels more comfortable with what they expect is true. Black is black and white is white which when is true, in many ways is absolutely fine, but sometimes not conforming with the stereotype can isolate you from a community who live by it . So when the two crossover and someone displays character or physical traits which you would associate with a opposite type of person, people can be confused or even angry in denial that this person is truly what they say they are. This aspect is displayed in the show, and adds a very real dimension of life into the scenario, which I think is very educational.

For people that don't like the idea of a gay man being lets say the villain in the piece, and stealing all the money for being gay, what I say to them is lighten up a bit. The show is entirely comedic, perfectly displayed by commentators Alan Cumming & Alan Carr, and presenters June Sarpong & Jameela Jamil in their respective series. The show is so funny as you see the guys squirm trying display macho masculinity and lie through their teeth. The show is also very challenging for the viewer. It was about 50/50 for me whether I correctly identified someone as gay or as straight in both series. Gaydar is joked about, but let's be honest, doesn't really exist. I can confidently say that the people who claim to have the best gaydar are straight people. I always say that my “gaydar” is shit, I have no clue most of the time who is gay or straight, so don't expect me to be confident enough to identify you as gay in a bar, club or gym, because I have no clue.

To say I have a crush on some of the guys in the show is an understatement. There is a plenty of eye candy. In fact I love the show so much that I want it brought back so I can have a go. This time let's make it a gay version. I'd be the guy looking through a group of guys as to who is gay and who is dun dun dun straight. Of course Playing it Straight as a title wouldn't work, so I'm suggesting (a bloody brilliant name if I don't say so myself) GAY FOR PAY. If I pick a gay guy we walk away with the money and halve it but if he's straight then he walks away with it himself. It would be very interesting to see straight guys trying to act like, what they perceive as gay, and would raise a lot of questions on what we think is gay or straight based on the judgments we make. I think also that if a show, musician, film etc is gay, then in most cases it doesn't become the huge commercial success it should, because for some people it's “too gay”. Channel 4 sound like the right broadcaster to challenge this, and create real and in time controversial shows which open up bigger questions on how we live as a society and whether we are as accepting as we think we are. Sounds right up Channel 4's alley doesn't it nudge nudge wink wink. So let's make it happen. I want you back Playing It Straight, or should I say Gay For Pay? ;)

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Thank You x 

Love, Sex and Magic

Looking for love nowadays feels both easier and harder than ever. It's easier in the sense that there is so many more ways to connect to people, not just in your community, but around the world. It's harder in the sense that, with the rise of technology, where you can find out any answer to any question, there is a need for immediacy, and this has filtered through to the sexual landscape we live in. I feel like all anyone wants these days is a shag, and they are not prepared to wait for it.

I've been on many dates trying to find the one. Wait, let me re-phrase that. I've been on many FIRST dates trying to find the one. In the past I think I inadvertently gave out mixed signals. I'd talk about wanting a relationship, then when they said “Do you want to come back to mine, I'd say” “Yeah alright, sounds good” People translate come back to mine as sex, but I translate come back to mine as come back to mine. Do you know what I mean? I'm honest and I say what I mean. If I say let's go back to yours, I don't mean let's have sex. If I wanted to have sex with you, I'd try to awkwardly say back at mine or yours “Sooooooo … do you wanna *cough cough* you know … do the deed” As lame as that sounds, you see, I've never fully had sex. I've tried a couple of times, but never went through with it. I've just not felt comfortable enough. I'd love to find someone who is willing to have some patience when it comes to sex. Now that doesn't mean, we take the smallest steps in the world when it comes to intimacy. It also doesn't mean I don't love a good flirt. What it means is that when it comes having the best sexual experience, it won't happen immediately, so let's just take our time and practice, as we get to know each other more and more, and like each other more and more, it'll get so much better. I fear though that this situation is unrealistic. No one seems to truly understand. They say they do, but they never follow through in reality.

Another problem I seem to have is with protection. A lot of people don't seem to want to wear it. I do everything protected. This doesn't mean I think you're infected. This means that with the rise of STI's nowadays, I'm not willing to take that risk with ANYONE on the PLANET. If we, down the line, end up in a relationship and are totally comfortable and trustworthy, then of course we can leave it, but even then, do we really have to? Does it really make that much of a difference? I wouldn't know if it does, but I wouldn't think so.

All this talk of sex really dilutes what should be at the heart of a relationship, and as corny as this sounds, it's love (oh god cringe, i'm a big softie). Sex shouldn't be the be all and end all. Of course you need to find the other person physically very attractive but that doesn't mean you need to rush to have sex. Love is about more than sex. It's about someone's personality, having fun, getting to know each others hobbies and passions etc.

We, and I'm including myself in this, need to stop judging everyone so harshly, and give people a chance. You never know who might come round the corner. Not everyone is going to look like a model. This doesn't mean you need to drop your standards. I love a guy who keeps fit for example. All it means is, if someone has a certain hang up or less than perfect aspect or aspects, don't dump them immediately. In this time we live in, we need to be more caring for each other, and less excluding. The world needs love, we need love, I need love.  

Start Your Engines, It's Rupaul's Drag Race All Stars Season 2

Yes it's FINALLY that time when we get the second all stars edition of Rupaul's Drag Race. Who will follow in the footsteps of the transformative Chad Michaels? Well the season 2 cast has been confirmed and it's a solid crew.

First we have Alyssa Edwards *tongue pop*. The 6^th placer in season 5 of Rupaul's Drag Race has become one of the most successful queens following the show. With her own show “Alyssa's Secret” still going strong on WOWPresents, and performances being met with millions of views, it's no wonder Alyssa has been included, there would have been an outcry if she wasn't present. Her facial fierceness, unintentionally funny quips and killer choreography have catapulted her to stardom with even Miley Cyrus being a fan. She may not have got as far as any of the other queens in the cast in their respective seasons, but let's hope she goes further and smashes it. An early exit would be disappointing.

Second up we have Phi Phi O'Hara. A runner up from Season 4, this bitch has been busy. Her 365 days of drag series has seen Phi Phi show off unique look after beautiful unique look which she's received big praise for. Playing on her perception following Season 4, she may be out to show, not only how much she's grown, but also that she's a softie at heart and not the cutting serious queen that consumed her in Season 4. Phi Phi is a very talented queen. She can sing, dance and make amazing garments. Don't be surprised if Phi Phi takes the crown this season.

Next we have Ginger Minj. One of the two most recent participating queens in the cast, Ginger will be out to snatch the crown this time around, as in Season 7, she was the expectant winner for the vast majority of the season before Violet Chachki came through for the win. Ginger is mostly known for her funny side. Her impression of Adele in Snatch Game and performance in the John Waters challenge still live on for fans and with equally impressive turns in All Stars 2, Ginger could take the crown many thought she deserved in Season 7.

Fourth up we have Roxxxy Andrews. Runner up in Season 5, Roxxxy always impressed with her runway. Raja and Raven are always living for her looks and claim she should have won Season 5. People forget just how funny and talented Roxxxy was on her season, as her nastier streak slightly soured her time on Drag Race. Let's hope her pure talent shines through alone this time, and people see her for the amazingly accomplished queen she really is.

Fifth we have Katya. Another most recent participating queen, Katya is a massive fan favourite, and has revelled in her left of centre fashion and humour. Her successful new show Unhhhhhhh with Trixie Mattel is probably the most popular show on WOWPresents right now and fans will be hoping for equally funny moments in All Stars. Not just known for her comedy but also her flexibility, Katya has the potential to pull off some amazing performances that maybe we will get to see in All Stars. Someone who many call the true winner of Season 7, will she take the crown this time to truly win once and for all?

Season 5 favourite Detox is another popular queen taking part in all stars 2. The Season 5 4^th placer and DWV member will be hoping to make the final and win this time after just narrowly missing out on the Season 5 finale. Funnily enough she stole the show at the finale with her now classic black and white look. With looks of that level on all stars 2, surely Detox will take the crown. As equally funny as she is fashionable, Detox is a threat in the competition who could outshine her fellow Rolaskatox members to be Chad Michaels successor.

Surely one of the, if not the favourite to win All Stars 2 is Ms Alaska Thunderf**k. Runner Up in Season 5, Jinkx Monsoon just pipped her to the crown, but following Drag Race Alaska has been so successful. She released her album Anus with massive songs like Your Makeup Is Terrible, Nails and Anus itself. Her Brolaska series with her seriously hot brother Cory is still racking up the views on WOWPresents. She's an American Apparel Ad Girl with Willam and Courtney Act, and she's one of the go to girls of Drag Race if you want to know how to be successful following the show's run. Is there anything she can't do? Being a heavy favourite to win the crown for All Stars 2 will definitely put a big pressure on your shoulders. Can she do it? Of course she can. Will she do it? With such a talented cast, nothing is for certain. What is for certain though is that Alaska is one of the most popular girls in this cast. Will she live up to the expectations of her fans?

Way back from Season 2, which was 6 years ago believe it or not, is the stunningly beautiful Tatianna. Tatianna could be one of the most interesting queens to watch now, as she has had the longest time since competing on the race to come back. Will she show a big improvement? What we do know is that the face will be beat for the gods, she'll be look sickening and she'll be ready to take the crown and make the top 3 that she just missed out on in Season 2. Seeing her triumph would be a surprise considering how low her profile is compared to the other queens of the all stars season, but who wants the expected? No one, so Tatianna picking up the crown would be a great underdog win we'd all love.

Second last we have Coco Montrese. The 5^th placer and Alyssa Edwards rival, Coco showed her stunning beauty in Season 5 and went far in the competition. Possibly placed in the competition to set a round 2 battle with Alyssa, we know since then that they are in fact friends so a bitter rivalry could come across completely contrived. The successful pageant queen is professional from head to toe and knows how to turn heads and impress judges, so her success in All Stars 2 would be hardly surprising. Will she able to go far in such a showstopping cast? We'll have to wait and see, but something you do know is that Coco is going to bring some major spice to the competition, that i'm looking forward to.

Last but not least is Season 6 runner up Adore Delano, and what a career she's had since Drag Race. She released two successful studio albums in Til Death Do Us Party and Afterparty with songs like I Adore U, DTF and I Look F***in' Cool all having millions of views to their name. Known for her punk rock drag chic, Adore is effortless is her look but her perfomances are always packed with passion and beautiful big vocals. With such a charismatic personality, Adore is one of the most likeable queens in the line up, but personality can only get you so far. She got off to a rough start in Season 6, and this season will be more unforgiving so can she survive amongst such polished queens? Well she's polish remover bitches, so I'm thinking, ummm yeah, but achieving success is going to be hard in this cast of all stars.

So tell me who's your favourite and who your predicted top 3 is in the comments